Free and Brave
I believe this photography expresses so much of the emotions I am feeling right. Photo description:
"Black nurse Eunice Rivers (R) handing medication, prob. Nothing more than aspirin or vitamins, to African American sharecropper during Tuskegee Syphilis Study, in farm field in Macon County."
At first, it might seem like nothing. But this is part of one of the worst acts of violence in the United States, where African Americas were kept in these farms fields to develop Syphilis and be studied until their death. Moments of violence and complete lack of self-aware for the others like us, has happened in the past, even (or specially) in the history of America. However, it hurts more, maybe because this is the land of the free and home of the brave? There is a certain expectation that things will be better, they will be different, this is the land of hope, this is the land full of Christians fighting for democracy. However, just like any other place it is full of humans, and humans even with full access to Biblical Truth still kill and destroy other humans.
My feelings are also in such state, because of my love for the country. I do believe God places a love in our hearts for that specific place he called us to. I remember, ever since I was a teen, the Spirit leading me to pray for spread blood in America. This has always been where my heart is at. The problem is when my heart stays in that space. When we fear the Lord, we also enjoy in the beauty of His mercy. I really need that perspective today. I desperately need the reminder that God is where I am not, He is in control and moving in places I cannot even imagine. But He still calls me to love and to care for those around me through prayer. The beauty of this acts is usually diminished by society, because it has become so frugal and so meaningless. However, my prayers are a change of heart on my part, a desperate sense of love coming from the Holy Ghost into my heart that leads to a peace beyond understanding in the times of complete distress.
This is getting to the second part of how this image relates to me. The medications this man was taking were not going to do almost anything to help him. They could have a minor placebo effect or maybe alleviate minor pains. Did he know that at the time? Of course, not ! We work with what we can get! I am not trying to say that the things I suffer as I seat in my bed and write this reflection, even begin to compare to all the suffering this poor man (and honestly, this nurse as well) had been through. But this image is a reflection of a hard subject for me right now: medication.
I have been taking an SNIR since December 2022. After a few strange symptoms that have appeared after I started the medication, I have since decided it was time to stop. The first time I went down, my medication was easy. I was so happy with my decision and there were no major concerns. This time around, I am feeling awful. I feel like my pain, my anxiety, my sensorial feeling are all heightened. The worst part - I have had thoughts of death two days in this past 10 days. Specially for a Christian girl who believes to have everything, this is unexecutable and unexplainable. Yes, I know what is causing this. But what do I do with this information? I push through and try to brush off these feeling ? I tell those around me so they get scared and try to convince me to go back to the shit show of a med who started this in the first place?
It is hard to trust a medical doctor to help me. I know a doctor is not God, no cure comes without a price. That is the type of healing only the Lord can provide. However, we hope, you know ? I can recognize the medication helped for a bit, but was it worth it? Taking some time off and caring for myself could have probably done the same effect. I place shit in my body all in name of never being late and finishing college. Now, I am here thinking of jumping from the second floor of my house (which I will not do, because that would only get me in pain, not actually kill me). I can almost assure you this nurse had good intentions, so did my doctor, but the consequences of man-made treatments are not something we can control sometimes.
In case you are wondering, I will not kill myself. I got an ice bucket to help me cope with pain, I did some exercises and had some water. I had so much to live for - so many dreams to accomplish and so many people that love me. No bad thought will take me away from experiencing the love and mercy of Christ in this very moment. This is my Heaven on Earth. It is in the mist of pain and despair that I can say that after years of chronic health conditions, Heaven on Earth is not the crying and jumping during a worship song. I have found the presence of the Lord in my despair, and I have seen Heaven touch my heart in more ways that are explainable during the hardest times of my life.
Psalm 2:11
- Subject Keywords: Venereal, Diseases, Sharecroppers, Farmers, Nurses, Public Health, Us, Eunice Rivers, American, Medicine, African American, Agriculture, Medicines, 1930s
- Publisher: TimeLife
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