Desperate for Something Better or Hopeful for Something Better

There is a girl in high school who loved to be approved and be everything that people expected her to be. It killed her inside, the fact that she was starting to lose control of her health, but she was starting to regain a sense of identity. The silly Christian with fibromyalgia had a courage against all odds to go to college in the United States.  While the safe and easy decision was to stay home and continue to be spoiled, and adored, she decided that it was time to figure out what God had for her outhere. 

Her missionary work that she so desperately expected to find in the States started with her. Her own Christian values and theological views had to be reformed (literary and figuratively) so that she could start to love herself. God brought her to a place o healing and rest before any work could be done. In a place she was told that was so broken and lacking Fire, she found depth and Peace. 

I am hopeful for better days, when I can continue to love myself with all of my limitations in a place where I feel valued. God taught me what it truly means to be in community, and anything remotely like I had before still feels awful. While I am here, it always feels off to try to find a church community, and it really bothers me to feel left out. 

For this reason, I feel like I need to find within the deepest part of my soul, the old me. It was makes people happy, and allow for me to feel like I fit in. I don't really want to do that anymore; I don't want to pretend to be the charismatic, all ready to help, loves small talk kinda of Fernanda that I was before. 

Manolas

Francisco Iturrino 1908 - 1909