MD vs DO - My person battle with my mind and health
Making a decision about medical school is something that will impact my life and my family's life for the rest of our lives. I am not making it a big deal, and I say I need to make a decision with caution. However, I am definitely coming and going in my decisions more than it is healthy for myself.
I also cannot expect myself to not have any questions in this time of my life. The Lord gives the opportunity to pray and lay before him all of our worries. A time of waiting is hard, the constant need to keep thinking and thinking nuances in this time can only be limited slightly through prayer.
When making the decision to apply to a school of osteophatic medicine, I was a young girl alone in a different country dealing with a chronic issue. Osteophatic medicine was not only an easy way out so I can go into the job market earlier and still be able to do all the exact same things, but also get the possibility to get inside the holistic health conversation and spaces.
On the other hand, I am laying in the bed at this very moment. I am tired and in pain and I think that maybe one more year to get better, study more for the MCAT and get into a good MD school could be a better decision to have the prestige necessary to get into the academic spaces I know that are my dream. Those are the spaces I always believed the Lord would lead me to.
The dilemma inside this conversation comes down to what I wish it didn't have to: my health. Oh, how much I wished I could say it is money, career advances or whatever. But, no, it is the fact that I am sick, and that changes every single detail of my life, as much as I use all of my power for it not to.
I wish I could say I love the brain because I love medicine, but medicine has become so much more personal. Now, it is about speaking out about a community of people with disability that as much as I try to deny, I am part of. My passion for osteophatic medicine came from that as well. I worry about the lack of good doctor who can take the stop of other health professions working with pseudoscience and anti-Biblical theories.
The problem is, the moment I am feeling a bit better about my health, my doubts come back. What if you get better enough to go to an MD school ? What if you are wasting your potential for a small moment of weakness ? Don't you want to be the difference between the top of the top? The mediocre have already so many good options !
I need to be proud of myself. I need to man up and say: It is such an accomplishment to have come this far, and I will be an amazing physician no matter what! Furthermore, I do not need to hold myself accountable to a standard that I only see people in social media living by and at ages 8 to 10 years older than me. I am married, and I am starting a life in a new country, I want to have kids some time in the future and raise them in peace (financially and emotionally). I am making the decisions that are possible with what I have at hand right now, and I need to be okay with that.
Dear Heavenly Father,
How I thank you for the mercies You have given me. They are the only thing that sustained this broken and mortal body that has accomplished so much besides all the limitations. Thank you, Father, for allowing me to pursue my dreams and achieve so much more than I could have ever imagined. I pray You would give me the convictions that my decisions are according to Your will for my life, and nothing will stop me from succeeding, doesn't matter what I end up deciding to do. Allow me to love myself more every day and care for my body and soul to be nurtured to continue to do the Good Work of the Lord.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen
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