My journey with my health
CHILDHOOD
There has been a lot that lead me to this moment. I do not remember what came first, my parents first major fight or the start of my health issue. However, that was the moment when my mother started to care more about my mental health than my physical health. That made sense for her, considering her battle with depression for many years.
I was a child hurting. I felt left out by my pain all throughout my teenage years. The many memories of me cancelling on people or being completely rude out of tiredness still hurts me inside. My friends, my family, and myself all thought I was faking my pain. It was all in my head, otherwise it would not go away. It was all considered normal because someone in the family had that symptoms, but did anyone else have all of my symptoms?
I was never a popular kid. I was an outcast with my two friends for most of what I can remember. Furthermore, I hated the idea of change, so I was glad to be an outcast. However, I hated to be chosen last on things, I wanted to have more friends, but I also wanted people to like my friends. I liked hanging out with the outcasts because deep down I was one, I just always had the ability to mascaraed it better than my friends and I loved them for it.
Besides the fight my parents had when I was a kid, I had a pretty chill childhood. I dealt with the family problem in therapy, which was great. I do have some bad memories of my school being really competitive and that really making me sad. I hated the competition, I hated being on the top alone, and I hated not being on the top. I could not fathom not being anything, but perfection. Furthermore, I am actually a bit bothered by my parents encouraging me since I was like 5 years old to become a doctor. I took that to heart! I was determined to become an adult as soon as possible and starting studying for college as soon as possible. Yes, I placed the pressure on myself, but I never had anyone to tell me not to. Otherwise, I was not good on anything besides studying while a child. I was not fit enough for sports, which meant focus on study. I had too much pain to play any instruments or to sing. All things hobby were just too exhausting, which was probably a sign things were already not okay.
My suspections for the ADHD also comes from how I always study for small periods of time and I always had music. I was a kid and I had to study with TV or music to be able to concentrate, but again, I do not want to know if I had ADHD. Just wanted to point out, how much I learned to fake since a kid. I closed the door to seem like I studied for hours, but at the end of the days I was "studying" all day because to actually concentrate I had spent hours on something, which probably should take a much less.
I also have to mention that I am not really sure what led me to this excessive need of approval and to have the best of the best of grades. If you ask my parents, they will say they never pushed me. I created a monster of them in my mind, and anything besides perfection would not be good enough. My parents are not the most book smart, and I was felt I had to compensate for their lack of education. I needed to do everything on my own, because when it comes to my education (later on my health) I felt like they would never be able to help me, and I was alone.
TEENAGE YEARS
If I could sum up my teenage years in one word, it would be loneliness. I had my own fantasy worlds in my mind, and oh boy, I really needed those. I remember loosing my best friends when moving school. They all literally stop talking to me, and all because of my health crisis. I hate the fact that my mother blamed my studying for me getting sick. No, mother, I did not study too much, actually I was almost not studying at all ! I was too sick and too lost in life to study.
My teenage years are a blur of lack of sleep, pain and sparks of joy. The feeling of not being enough comes with the feeling of being in my room. I had pretty amazing experiences of the Lord meeting me where I was. However, they are shattered by all the people who have left my life. I know one thing should not affect the other. Most people were trying their best to love me with the information I had given them. Honestly, I wasn't given much information either. I hate that. If I had known earlier what was wrong with me, I could have explained to people. They would have shown me grace. Yes, God, Ruler of All, always showed me mercy and grace. Still, I needed that from people. I would count on a person, they would push me and support me, then leave me when I needed them the most. My friends, my parents, my leaders, my friends. God never left me. However, He placed me in a plane, and I found such a better life. It is unimaginable that anyone would want to stay in that space of hurt.
Maybe I was hurt, maybe others weren't. All the arrows, I took on my own flesh, were supposed to be in Jesus' back and I took them. I will never forget my pastor telling me that my friends and I do not know Jesus enough, and the adults telling me not to cry, so I don't make a scene. I have tried to let this go so many times, and it still hurts. Jesus was there, I know he was, but so was the pain, my physical and emotional pain. I understand they were all adults trying their best, not knowing any other healthier way. Just because I know a healthier way today, doesn't mean it is the right way for them, God did not call be to go back. Even with a husband from the same church and same town, I just know I am not coming back. All I have learned and changed will be used somewhere else and the cycles of pain, might stay, but I have to believe this is part of God's greater plan.
I believe in God's justice, and I can see where everyone's lives are going, and that is part of your work of goodness and mercy. Maybe the meritocrat in me, just wants to point a finger in everyone's faces and show that I am in a better place than all of these people. However, they are all happy right where they are, I am the only one struggling and crying over this stupid past.
"I forgive my parents for not helping me find the specialized care I need. I forgive them for not looking giving enough credit to my pain. And whatever my feeling don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forgive my brothers and sisters from church for not giving me space to breathe, and to rest when I was needed because of all my pain and fatigue. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forgive my pastor for living me alone to be bully and rejected multiple times, after he said he would endorse me. I forgive him for never caring to hear or ask if I was hurting or if I was okay. I forgive him for placing two crazy monsters to care for me and all the other teens. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forgive my friends for bullying me and leaving me alone when I was in pain, and feeling like I was completely alone. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forgive Laura and Glesley for humiliating me and my friends. I forgive them for placing so many of our family one against the other. I forgive them from doing false teachings and for being the biggest monsters the youth in our church has ever seen. I forgive them for being selfish and hurting not only me, but so many people that I loved. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forget my doctors for not knowing what to do with my case. I forgive them for all the times they just wanted to send me to therapy. I forgive my physical therapists for caring for me with enough attention and letting me in immense pain and nausea for simple exercises. I forgive them, for they had no idea what they were dealing with. I forgive them for their egoism, and the attitude towards a simple kid who needed help. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
"I forgive myself for trusting the wrong people. For sharing ideas and details with people who did not deserve to even be part of my life. I forgive myself for overworking all of my teenage years, and making me lose all joy, and pleasure in the charismatic movement in the church (not all of this was my fault, I tried my best). I forgive myself for pushing myself too far. I forgive myself for not looking for care earlier, and for not being a better Christian before. I forgive myself for all the hate I placed in other, and I forgive myself for all of my tears. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover."
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