People Pleaser Assessment

I have had this problem for many years in my life that I should please everyone around me. My default mode is to avoid conflict at all costs, and the best way to do that is to make sure I make people happy all the time. I am not sure if other people have ever described me as a people pleaser, but I have certainly been seen as someone proactive to help and someone who carries a lot of guilt from making mistakes towards other people. I have definitely been that girls who worry about everyone in the room, and wants everyone to feel special and seen. 

I am not really sure how I see myself, and that has been definitely a constant when trying to sell myself. Sometimes, I believe I am nothing more than my achievements. The awards, scholarships and accompliments I have made throughout my life (academic or personal). Other times, I would say I am a survived, battling with a chronic illness that changes every single activity, relationship and hopes I have in life, but still I cannot be defined by this very thing. Maybe the most important thing that defines me should be my place as a daughter of God, which I often forget, I see myself more as a worker for Christ and a beloved part of the family of Christ. 

I often feel completely burn-out after situations where I have given myself to help other. I would say I feel excited at the moment, but after is more of a flat feeling. 

I would say my most common state is of curiosity and contentment. I am not a super happy person, and I am honestly not a fan of really happy people. So I am happy with my emotional state.

If I had to rate on a scale from one to ten, I would say I am 8.5 on how often I think about what other people might think of me. 

My parents were always super excited for all my academic accomplishments, and how I was a daughter who would not get in any trouble or would always behave. I would say unintentionally, my mom was pretty manipulative with me growing up. I felt like I was guilt-tripped into doing things or saying things to her that I might not be super comfortable. That has definitely made me a more introspective person, but who can definitely pretend really well to be whatever people need me to be. 

Someone being pleased with me brings a sense that I did nothing more than the obligation I was asked to do. However, if someone is displeased with me, it feels like when a plate falls from a table and cracks. It is a frustration mixed with disappointment. 

Receiving approval from my family is around a 9, from my friends is around and 8. Most people are probably around 8 as well, I am worried about those I am not in much contact as well. 

I once had to plan a party for church. I was scared that people would think it was lame or not Christian enough. I felt like I was in constant pressure for it to be perfect. I always felt like it was my duty to take on the hardest task. I felt ashamed, exhausted, sad, abandoned, frighted, fragile. 

I want God to approve me by all the things that I do in my life. All my achievements are so that God looks and see that I am doing my part in keeping up with His plan for me. 

Little Clowns on Seesaw

Candido Portinari - 1957